Guest post: The psychological characteristics of Ah Lians

Written by: De Maitre

Based on 6 months’ worth of data collection, when I talk about ALs, I’m talking about teenagers from 13-18 years old who share the following characteristics in varied combinations:

Self Inflated Ego- They like to think they are pretty, but most of them are plain Janes. They normally share the same re-bonded China-doll hair cut, thick make up and an awful taste in cheap clothing. I don’t have issues with rebonded hair and cheap clothes, but ALs have a remarkable talent in making nice hair and clothes look bad. As for thick make up, I think it should be reserved for Wayangs, not for the streets. They like to say stuff like “DM, you jealous of me right? Cos I’m so pretty…” Urgh, I would rather die a virgin. What’s more, if you don’t think they are pretty or smart, they mutate into banshees that scream an endless barrage of vulgarities.

Sensitive- they can criticize you, you can't criticize them. They take it VERY personally. They'll threaten to burn down your house, whack you up and start challenging you for your real name, your home address, handphone number and your gender. Heh, everyone knows me as DM, I don’t know why they have issue with that. And I suspect most ALs are homophobic, I guess they just want to get laid by every male that walks across their path in order to feel like they are "wanted" and "desirable". They take rejection personally too, they do threaten suicide (to me, its good riddance to bad rubbish).

Diarrhea of the Mouth, Constipation of the Brains (intellectual poverty)- I realize that all ALs can’t debate. All they can do is swear and accuse people of being kaypoh. I find it incredibly amusing that when I leave comments, I get accusation of “stepping English” (since when was speaking standard English a sin?) or for being a kaypoh (I love being a kaypoh, anyone who has curiosity in them will be a kaypoh!). So far, a few ALs have “cursed” me to be childless in future, even AFTER I told them I refuse to have kids due to the 50% chance of them turning bad. The other words they like to use is slut/bastard. Well, pot calling the kettle black in most cases. Heh.

Look for trouble- ALL ALs have this problem, they love looking for trouble, they are trouble, their friends are trouble, their love lives are trouble and they come to people’s blog to make trouble. When they get flattened for doing that, they go back to their gang complaining that people create trouble with them. *snort* Right, who was the one who started spewing vulgarities at the wrong people who made neutral comments about ALs’ deviant behaviors?

The whole world is in the wrong, only they are perfect- ALs actually think they are very clever. Serious. They actually created their own lingo and create new meanings for words! Singlish is fine, twitting still exists! And the best part about twitting is, there are no rules. I have no idea how much further that lingo can be further degraded and segmented. They use words like flirt, spammer and kaypoh very liberally without knowing what they mean. Poor sods.

Bad Command of Language- they just don’t have a command of language. They can’t speak English properly, can’t speak Chinese properly, can’t speak dialect properly AND they think they are clever because they are not pretending to be clever. I’m so impressed I could die of happiness. They actually made an ART out of being a failure, and since being a failure is the hardest thing for most of us to achieve (on a philosophical level), we have to give them credit for that…

Physical Aggression- That’s the only way they know how to settle “issues”. They call it talk, but given their admirable levels of patience, eloquence and verbal expression, I really question how long the “talk” can last before they resort to their nails and hands. A few ALs have expressed their wish to slap me, but since they can’t find me, they are reduced to mopping around whining about how pathetic I am. Haven’t they heard of verbal slaps? I’ve been giving them tons of verbal slaps along with the other AAL writers. Unfortunately, ALs have such thick hides that slaps have no lasting impression. Now, imagine slapping a bull, it just feels irritatingly ticklish to them, the same reaction when you verbally slap liannies). Subtle sarcasm doesn’t work on them, at ALL. They need to be verbally punched in the face before they run back to their pack whining about being mistreated.The word “dog”- I don’t know why they have to use the word “dog” on everyone, be it friend or foe. They don’t call people baboons, morons, jackasses, etc. From the Freudian perspective of symbolism, I would hypothesize that it’s a reflection of their behavior:

- They mate like dogs (multiple partners)
- Run in packs (their endless lines of gans and jies)
- Bark a lot (the endless barrage of vulgarities and empty threats)
- Howl to the moon (emotional outbursts at night about being lonely and

unwanted by their family)
- Bitch bitch bitch (they are experts at that)
- Run off with their tails between their legs once they meet their betters

The inability to swear properly- They are masters of quantity, not quality. They feel very empowered using “f” words and other hokkien words. Unfortunately, their hokkien stinks to high heaven, the sentences often don’t make sense. For example- knn limbei you! (translated as: screw your mother, your father you). That doesn’t make sense doesn’t it? And the part that really made me flinch was the use of CCB by ALs, may their vaginas rot off from overuse.

Self destructive behavior- I find it very cute that they always glorify these three things: smoking, drinking and sex. I think these are activities that no under-aged kid in their right mind would do. What’s more, I’ve been trying to go to a few AL’s blogs to offer them “good advice”. Typical of their rebellious nature, most of the replies I’ve gotten are “who are you to tell me what to do? Stupid Kaypoh”, the nicer ones were “I don’t know who you are, thanks for the advice, but I’ll live my own life”. I have a question- “Why is a stranger offering you good advice inferior to that of the gans and jies that teach you how to die of cancer or STD faster?”

If you aren't with me, you are against me- As long as you don't agree with "the" AL way, you are a nerd, even if you can't study. Either that or you're a retard, idiot, bodoh, huan loh, hongster, or whatever, even though you know you are smarter than them and a lot less flirtatious.

Mysterious creatures- no one understands them. Really, you see them declare this all over their blogs. Their teachers, parents, boyfriends and siblings don’t understand their insurmountable pain and anguish over lord knows what. Nobody can understand why they do stupid stuff like getting knocked up and going for rounds of abortion. No one understands why they have to waste all their money on cigarettes and alcohol when the highest pay they can get is approximately $6/hr. No one understands why they take so many MCs and leaves even though they are earning so little. No one knows why they prefer bad friends over good ones. No one knows why they want to go to NT or NA when they can perfectly well get into express. No one knows why some of them give up poly to join their bfs in ITE. No one knows why they still stay with a boyfriend who would rather sleep or flirt with other girls than hang out with them. Are they that stupid? Maybe. I bet they don’t even understand themselves. Lost souls… After many scuffles with them, I realize they switch to the “sob” story after some time. They start to cite stories about having a single parent, stepparent from hell, lousy parents, etc. as a reason for their deviant behavior. I think that is a terrible excuse. I’ve met people who come from single parent families with that single parent being a shitty example of parenthood (gambling, loansharks, alcoholism, etc) but they still turned out fine. Why? It’s because they have the ambition and determination to pull themselves out of the vicious cycle. So my point is ALs are weak in mind, body and soul.